


Finding Home

by bazerella



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, F/M, M/M, Original Character(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 15:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19231786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bazerella/pseuds/bazerella
Summary: Watford University is located in a small town in New York about an hour away from NYC. They’re known for their very successful and competitive english literature major. Such high success rates attracts students from all over the world.Simon Salisbury was over the moon when he got his acceptance letter to W.U. Normally a very introverted person he hopes that taking this big leap with help him out of his comfort zone. While at first he struggles to adjust, he ends up finding love and friendships that will last him a lifetime.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. So I’m painfully American which is why this is set in New York, I don’t want to risk getting anything wrong or offending anyone. Anyway, this is my first attempt at a fanfic in a REALLY long time so I hope you like it!! 
> 
> The story is a little rushed, and more about the development of the relationship and Simon's feelings but this will just help me create something better in the future! :) 
> 
> Also a lot of the dialogue is between my original characters because I was afraid of making anyone seem too OOC.

Watford University was everything I thought it would be and more. My professors genuinely cared about what they were teaching, encouraged thought provoking discussions in class, and offered actual help with assignments. The dining hall has the best food. Most students in America complain about the food at colleges but WU supplies the best. The campus itself is beautiful; they have bright red maples that balance so beautifully with the red brick and tan buildings across campus. 

Surprisingly, my dorm doesn’t suck. Most freshmen end up in shit hole dorms, but I requested to be in an LLC,a living-learning-community, and ended up in one of the nicer dorms. The LLC I’m in is specifically for students who come from abroad. Most of us are either from the UK, Australia, or China. My roommate is actually from a neighboring town to mine back home. Everyone in the LLC gets to take one “core” class together. Everyone on my floor is taking ENGL 1100-English Composition together. 

I got lucky in the roommate department. I could have gotten someone who was messy, or loud, or grossly unhygienic. I like my roommate. 

Fitting in is something I’ve never been good at. I’ve always been an introverted person. I want to talk and participate but when I do it comes out in rambles and I feel like no one wants to listen to what I have to say. 

My roommate, Baz, fits in everywhere. It’s like he was born to just be friends with everyone and be so effortlessly likeable. He’s taller than me by at least three inches, and has porcelain skin, with the prettiest blue-gray eyes. And he’s so confident. He has every right to be. If you would have seen the way all the girls and guys in our english composition class gushed at him when it was his turn during introductions, you would understand what I’m talking about. He’s so nice too. He had arrived before I did, and instead of claiming the clearly better, bottom bunk and taking over the space, he literally waited until I got there and then said we should “talk about our preferences” and “he didn’t want to be rude and just put his stuff somewhere without giving me a chance to pick”. Who does that??

He ended up giving me the bottom bunk because I start every day at 8:00am and his first class doesn’t start until 10:00am every day, which is our english composition class. We figured it’d be better if I wasn’t hopping down from the top bunk every morning. The classes here are an hour and a half each, with half hour breaks in between each class so there’s plenty of time to run back to the dorms if necessary,or catch up on work, or get food. It’s a luxury. 

Classes started in late August. Freshmen got to move in a week early so that we could explore the campus an attempt to make friends before the upperclassmen got here and scared everyone off. I stuck with Baz during the information sessions and activities. There are people I have become friendly with, but it’s only because Baz is actually friends with them and I see them either at our dorm, social events on campus Baz convinces me to go to, or at dinner. Conveniently neither Baz nor I have too late of classes so everyday I’m guaranteed a group of people to have dinner with at exactly 5:30pm.

Baz has made such an effort to include me in things. I feel bad that I’m so bad at the whole “being social” thing. By the second week of school, Baz had already joined the club “soccer” team, PRIDE, the schools newspaper: The Watford Journal, and was voted to be our class years treasurer in student government. I have only joined the schools newspaper, thanks to Baz who told me it was a good way to get experience in something that I wanted to do in the future. That’s the only reason I joined. 

It is now late September and fall break is coming up this weekend. Fall break is really just an extended weekend. We have a Monday and Tuesday off, and most students don’t have Friday classes so it’s the perfect opportunity for the more local of the campus to go home. The abroad LLC will not be going home. 

Instead, we sit in the “Mage Dining Hall” on this Thursday night discussing what we should do on our break, not away from school. 

Our usual dinner crew consists of:  
Baz; charming, lovely, perfect, everybody’s best friend, and usually the one who maintains all conversations and does his best to make sure I get to speak at least once 

Penny; also from the UK, but not in the LLC because she wanted to experience college without any “preexisting labels”, Baz met her through student government, she’s our class years President 

Agatha; she’s part of the LLC, pretty, blonde, and always says the most incredibly intelligent things in our english composition class

Dev and Niall; two boys Baz met from “soccer”, they’re also in our LLC but I’ve yet to see them actually attend the class

Violet; in our LLC, Violet’s from Australia and has these really cool purple color contacts that she always wears

Joelle; Baz met Joelle at a PRIDE club meeting, she’s American and looks like she belongs on the cover of a magazine

I lucked out. A shy kid like me is supposed to get his dinner in a to-go box and hide in his dorm, pretending that he just has too much work to do to bother with any type of social interaction. Baz makes me go out, to an extent. I don’t go to the parties, but I go to the “soccer” games. I’m included in the study groups, but not the post test celebrations. I sit at dinner, but rarely contribute to the conversation. 

I wish I could be bolder. I wish I could say something so profound and beautiful in class that makes Baz notice that maybe I have a lot to say. Make him notice that, if he listened, I would tell him everything that has ever crossed my mind. 

Make him realize that he’s not responsible for my interactions with everyone else. He’s just responsible for my interactions with him. And maybe, just maybe he would realize that I want so badly to tell him how in awe I am of him, and how I would jump so far out of my comfort zone if I knew he was going to catch me. If at the end of the day, I had him to call my own.


	2. Chapter 2

“What do you think, Snow?” 

On move in day, I unpacked my snowflake covered sheets and Baz found this just so amusing. He coined the nickname. It’s his, and his alone. 

“I think it could be a lot of fun, I’ve never been to the city” At dinner, the group had talked about using the days we have off for fall break and going down to New York City to explore. Joelle is from New York City and said we could all stay at her place, as her parents won’t be home and all her siblings go to school too far away to come home. 

“Me neither, but I know they have this amazing bookstore called The Strand and it has like 15 miles long worth of books. 15 miles! I don’t know how long that actually is but it seems like a lot, right? Imagine it. 15 miles.” Baz plops down onto our beanbag chair as I sat on my bed. He always sits on the chair whenever we’re talking. I suppose it’s better than yelling at each other while on our own bunks. 

“15 miles does sound like a lot,” I wish I had more to say. 

Baz smiles his usual charming, and beautiful smile at me. I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to figure out what to say to get me to talk more. He always does this and just one time I would like to make him so proud. Make him think that all his efforts aren’t going to waste. 

“Joelle’s really nice for letting us stay at her place. It definitely beats staying here and having nothing to do,” I try. 

“Yeah, she’s something, that Joelle,” He laughs at that. Baz says he’s gay but sometimes I wonder. He and Joelle would be perfect for each other. They’re both beautiful and would make the world’s most beautiful children. He had met her at a PRIDE club meeting though, so I’m not sure how straight she is or if she was just there as an ally. If she’s any straight, she’d be a fool not to appreciate Baz. 

“What do you think of Joelle?” I hate this question. Baz has asked me what I thought about every girl we’ve ever come in contact to. He thinks I’m straight because when he asked me to come to his to a PRIDE meeting I said it wasn’t for me. I just meant that I didn’t like to put myself out there and I was nervous about having to introduce myself and what if they asked me what I identified as? Obviously I could just say “Hello, I’m Simon. I’m bisexual. Maybe. Or pansexual. I don’t have it figured out yet.” But then that could lead to follow up questions, and Baz would have heard that entire ramble and then he may have questions and I just don’t have the answers. To any of those questions or literally to anything else. 

“I think if it were possible for two women to reproduce together, she and Agatha would have the prettiest children,” This earns me a deep and genuine laugh from Baz. Also known as, the most glorious sound to ever exist. 

Baz lifts himself off the beanbag, “Do you want to go to the shuttle stop?” 

There’s a shuttle that runs from the campus to an area downtown that has all the shops, restaurants and bars. The shuttle stop has a little snack shack next to it that sells $1 pizza slices and cokes for the students that are either waiting for the shuttle or coming off the shuttle and should probably try and sober up before they get to their dorm rooms. 

“We just had dinner,” I say 

Baz rolls his eyes “It’s pizza for one dollar, Snow. And besides, it’s tradition.” 

This is true. Every Thursday since school started we’ve gone to the shuttle stop and got pizza and cokes. Sometimes it’s right after dinner, sometimes it’s at midnight, and once it was at 2:00am. The shuttle stop is open from 10:00pm to 3:00am so 2:00am really isn’t that bad. 

“Fine. Let me just get a jacket,” I say 

“Here, take mine,” He says as he throws his black hoodie that he was wearing all day at me. He’s completely shirtless right now. I try not stare as I watch him rummage around his drawer before pulling out a light pink tourist looking long sleeve that says “London” on it. He looks especially good in pastels. I’ve never met someone who can pull off both pastel colors and black and look equally amazing in both. He pulls the shirt over his head and I feel like my feet are glued to the floor as I watch his stomach muscles contract. He looks over to me, “I’ve decided I don’t like hoods anymore. They ruin my hair,” 

Anything that ruins Baz’s hair should be exiled. 

“Oh, no!” I joke, trying to pull myself out of my spot “Not your hair!” 

“You wouldn’t joke if your hair was nearly as perfect as mine, Snow” He tries to say it with a sneer, but it doesn’t work. He grabs his keys from his desk, open the door and holds it open “After you,” 

I step through the door past him, wearing his hoodie. I try not to think of all the romantic connotations that come from wearing someone else’s hoodie. I try not to be painfully aware of how much it smells like him, or how badly I want him to hold my hand.


	3. Chapter 3

“Do you really need to pack that much?”

It’s Friday morning and we are attempting to pack for our extended weekend in New York. Baz has taken over the entire floor setting out outfits. 

“Snow, you might not get this because you don’t have nearly as much fashion sense as I do, but I need options. This is New York City! I could get scouted, or end up on Humans of New York! I could get discovered!” 

“Discovered for what?” 

“I don’t know. Discovered for being the most fashionable of my friends? That’s a thing, yeah?” 

“I don’t think that’s a thing. But if someone could make that happen, it’d be you,” I freeze and hope he doesn’t notice. That wasn’t even that flirty of a thing to say. He probably didn’t notice. 

He turns and smirks at me, “Are you flirting with me, Snow?” Fuck. 

My eyes grow wide and I try to come up with something to say. He just laughs, “Relax, Snow. I’m just teasing. What do you think Joelle’s place looks like?” 

I sigh. “It’s probably super modern, and has pristine white interior. Definitely something that looks like it came straight from an IKEA showroom,” 

Baz stops what he’s doing, closes his eyes, almost as if he’s trying to imagine what I just said. He opens his eyes, and stares directly at me, “I can’t wait,” 

\---

It takes one and a half hours to get to Grand Central from Watford. Since there’s 8 of us we were able to take over 2 sections of seats that all face each other. Baz and I sat next to each other, across from Joelle and Violet, and on the other side sat Dev, Niall, Penny, and Agatha. 

Dev and Agatha seemed to be in a very intense conversation, Penny looked bored, Niall had his headphones on and was staring out the window. Violet sat with her feet up on Baz’s lap and I tried to ignore the faint pinch of jealousy. Baz was grilling Joelle with questions, and I was just sitting there, one headphone in so I could be by myself, but one out so that I could hear what was going on. 

“ So what’s the most New York thing you’ve ever witnessed?” Baz asks 

Joelle closes her magazine, “I think I once saw them shooting a scene from Glee. They had like almost 2 seasons set in New York,” 

“That’s it? No Tom Holland in Spiderman or Taylor Swift in her penthouse? Not even skits from Saturday Night Live?” Baz does nothing to hide his disappointment.

“I don’t really pay attention that much!” Joelle exclaims 

“You don’t pay attention? You live in New York! How could you not pay attention?” Baz shifts slightly and pulls Violet’s legs close to him. 

“I’m sure you don’t notice lots of things back home. Do you keep tabs on every time they shoot Downton Abbey?”

Baz rolls his eyes “Really? Downton Abbey? Is that the only British show you know?” 

Joelle laughs her contagious I-don’t-have-to-know-anything-because-I’m-pretty laugh, “Yeah, pretty much,” 

“You disgust me,” Baz counters back. 

Joelle shakes her head and goes back to reading her magazine. Baz pokes my shoulder and leans in to whisper in my ear. I hold my breath. “You want to share that other earbud?” 

I nod and hand him the one that has been in my left ear, and place the extra one in my right. I stare out the window and try to focus on the scenery instead of how much closer you have to be with someone to share earphones. Apple didn’t think of this when they were making AirPods. You can’t have the same intimate connection with someone you’re sharing an AirPod with as someone you’re sharing an earbud with. We’re connected by this wire. We’re listening to the same song. We both may be feelings different things about the song, but we’re still connected. 

When we arrive at Grand Central, Joelle grants us one tourist picture. She gets some girl to take our picture. The whole time I’m smiling I hope it isn’t obvious that the only reason I’m smiling is because Baz’s arm is around me. Violet is claiming his other arm but in this one snapshot I don’t care. 

We take an uber to a hotel. Agatha, voicing the question we’re all thinking, asks “Why are we at a hotel?” 

“Oh, my parents own the hotel. We live in the penthouse,” 

I swear Baz is about to explode, “Penthouse!? You live in a Manhattan penthouse? Oh HELL yeah!” 

Penny shakes her head “I can’t believe you didn’t tell us we would be staying in a penthouse! This is so cool!”

Joelle smiles shyly, but I can tell she’s happy that her friends are excited about her living situation, “Come on, lets get upstairs,” 

When we walk in a doorman puts all our bags on this fancy silver luggage cart. We head up to the elevator and Joelle scans a card against a reader and then presses the penthouse button. When the elevator opens, we’re met with what should be a living room, but everything looks so perfect, I’m not sure much living has been done in it. 

To the right there’s ceiling to floor windows. There's a big white sectional couch, a glass coffee table with white orchids on it, and two off-white, almost gray chairs leaned up against the window. From the elevator we can see a door that seems to lead into the kitchen, a black dining room table, surrounded by 10 equally black chairs, and on the opposite side of the large windows, a black staircase leading up to the bedrooms. 

A family portrait, surprisingly in color, graces the wall in the living rooms and seems to be the only evidence that people even live here. The two adults look perfectly poised with each of their hands placed on a red velvet chair. Sitting in one chair is Joelle. She wears a black dress and has one leg over the other. On the other chair is who I assume is her sister. She looks like an older version of Joelle. Joelle had told us her sister was in a master’s program all the way in California. Standing on each side of the girls are two boys who look exactly alike; Joelle’s twin brothers. They’re only a year older than her, and they followed the eldest sister to California to go to school. Joelle was the only one to opted to go to school close to home. She mentioned her parents weren’t going to be around. Her mom spends a lot of time traveling, trying to discover new foods for the hotel to serve at its restaurant. Her dad goes to a lot of “business meetings” in anywhere but New York. The air quotes are from her, not me.

“So this is it!” Joelle says “Make yourselves at home. The fridge is completely stocked, but I figure we could go out to eat at the restaurant attached to the hotel at least once. It’s free because my parents also own it so don’t worry about money.” 

Everyone’s half listening. Most of us are still too stunned by the immaculate decor surrounding us, but Joelle continues. “Agatha, you can stay in my room with me. I have a trundle bed. Dev and Niall, you can stay in my brothers room. They’re twins so they have bunk beds, sorry, it’ll still be like living in a dorm. Violet and Penny, you can stay in my sisters room, because she’d probably kill me if I let boys stay in her room.” 

“What about us?” Baz asks

“Oh,” I swear I see Joelle smirk “You two can take my parents room. Have fun experiencing a king size bed,” 

A king size bed. A king size bed that Baz will be in. A king size bed that Baz will be in, and I also will be in. 

“It’s what I deserve,” Baz simply states. 

“So why doesn’t everyone get settled and then we can do some exploring? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I need a quick nap,” 

“I am 100% down with it being nap time. I can’t believe how early it is,” Dev confides 

Niall shoves him “It’s only 10:00am,” 

“That’s early for a Friday,” 

“So we’ll regroup at noon?” Joelle offers 

We all agree and head upstairs to our rooms. 

“Holy. Shit. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Snow can you believe this?” Can I believe that I get to spend 4 days in a king size bed with Baz? No. No I cannot. 

“Joelle was really modest when she said we could stay at her place in the city,” I say 

“That’s one way to put it! Look at this bed, look at this view, look at this television! This is insane. I can’t believe this. I’m going to live like this one day,” Baz jumps on to the bed, claiming right side.

“You’re going to live in a penthouse in Manhattan?” I ask 

“Absolutely. After seeing this, there’s no way I’ll be able to accept anything less than a king size bed in a New York penthouse. No fucking way. And obviously you’ll be there,” 

What? “What?” 

“Yeah! You, and Agatha, Penny, Niall, Dev, Joelle, Violet. You’ll all have to be there to see me living large. I’m taking the whole ‘the friends you make in college are the friends you make for life’ thing very seriously’”

I try not to sound disappointed by my name being included with six others “That’s good. At least I’ll know I’ll have one friend throughout my life,” 

“Not just me,” He says “You have everyone else too,” 

It doesn’t feel like I have everyone else. It feels like I have Baz, and then I have six people who put up with me because Baz invites me to everything. I requested to be placed in an LLC because I thought it would be easier to make friends. Easier to make friends with people who were an ocean away from home just like me. It hasn’t been easier. If anything, it’s made it harder. You expect to have conversations because everyone is just like you, but no one wants to think too much about the fact that while Watford University is supposed to be our “home away from home”, it’ll never compare to actually being home.


	4. Chapter 4

Baz ended up falling asleep, so instead of staying alone with my thoughts and watching him sleep, I decided to go back downstairs and sit by the window. 

When I get down there, I see Penny claiming a spot on the sectional reading through some magazines that were left on the coffee table. 

I like Penny. If I had to choose one person besides Baz that I would be okay with spending time with, it would be her. Everyone always tries to include me in conversations, but Penny will redirect the conversation to something that she thinks I’ll have more to say about. 

“Did Baz fall asleep on you?” She asks me when I sit down on one of the chairs

“Yeah, he took one look at that king size bed and immediately passed out,” 

She nods “Violet’s pissed she and I got stuck in Joelle’s sisters room, so I thought it’d be best for me to leave her and her anger alone for a while,” 

“Why’s she mad?” 

Penny closes the magazine and turns to face me, indicating that this is going to be a full focus conversation. “Because she knows that Joelle planned this so she can be alone with Agatha,” 

“Why would Joelle want to be alone with Agatha?” I ask 

“Seriously? Joelle’s so into Agatha! That’s why she announced who could stay in which room. Why else would she do that?” 

I think about this for a second, “Oh wow. Yeah. Is Violet into Joelle?” 

“No, I think it’s just a best friends dispute. Violet wants to spend her first time in New York with the first friend she made at college, Agatha, and instead Joelle decides to turn the trip into a ‘How Can I Get The Cute British Girl To Like Me’ mission” Penny pauses briefly “Makes you wonder what else on this trip may have been preplanned, huh?” 

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Joelle is a lot bolder than me. I wouldn’t have the nerve to announce that Baz would be sleeping in my room with me and then assign everyone else other rooms. I hope it works out for her. I’m not sure where Agatha stands on the whole thing, I thought her and Dev had something going on but what do I know? 

“You don’t talk much,” Penny states

“I don’t know have much to say,” 

“I bet that isn’t true. My brother is the same way. He barely talks in groups but when he and I are just hanging out, it’s like I can’t get him to shut up,” Penny smiles fondly at the mention of her brother, “Do you talk to Baz a lot?” 

“I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else. We live together so that’s expected I would think. It’s not that I don’t want to talk at dinner or at anything else. I just don’t want to end up saying the wrong thing, or jumble my words and look like a fool, especially not in front of Baz,” I quickly add on, “I wouldn’t want to live with someone who thinks I’m a fool,”

Penny looks at me as if she’s trying to decode what I just said. There’s no hidden meaning. I really wouldn’t want to live with Baz if he thought I was a fool. 

“Well, Simon, just know that if you ever want to talk to someone that isn’t Baz. You can always talk to me,” 

I thank her with a smile. Then I reach for some courage, “Can I ask you a question?” 

She says yes. “What do you think Baz is looking for in a partner?” 

Before she can open her mouth to answer, Dev, Niall, and Baz come rushing down the stairs. 

“Nap time is over!” Dev loudly announces. 

Penny readjusts herself on the couch so she’s facing the stairs too look at the boys coming down, “You interrupted our heart to heart” 

Baz looks at me curiously before sitting down next to Penny and throwing an arm around her, “You and Simon were having a heart to heart? About what?” 

Penny pushes his arm off of her and stands up to sit next to me, “Top secret. Heart to hearts aren’t something you just share with everyone, Baz” 

Baz gives me puppy dog eyes, “So when can we have our heart to heart, Snow?” 

I hope that Violet, Agatha and Joelle coming down the stairs distracts from how hard I’m blushing right now. 

***  
We end up at the Strand Bookstore. It’s just as impressive as Baz made it seem. Everyone ended up scattered throughout the store, so we decided we would meet back outside in an hour. I’m in the middle of the young adult section, browsing. I picked up a book that has a picture of two boys on the front, both looking back at each other. 

“‘What If It’s Us’? That’s a good one!” I jump and then see Baz right next to me, “If you haven’t read it, you definitely should,” 

“What’s it about?” I ask

“These two boys, Arthur and Ben, meet at a post office and then one of them puts out a Missed Connection to try and get in touch with the other. They fall in love, obviously. It’s a really good book,” 

“They fall in love?” 

“Two boys in New York City, how could they not fall in love?” 

“Yeah,” I somehow get out “I’ll give it a shot.” I say to hopefully get him away from me so I can try and figure out if this was real flirting or just regular Baz who’s entire tone is always flirty. 

“I want a review when your done,” He says 

I end up buying that one book, while Baz ends up buying three. All YA fiction, all with two gay leads who end up falling in love. After we all finish at The Strand, we head back to the hotel to have dinner. Dinner is mostly uneventful. With the knowledge Penny gave me earlier in the day, I can’t help but look at Joelle and Agatha differently. I watch as Joelle points out different things on the menu that she thinks Agatha will like. I watch as Agatha smiles politely at her and try to figure out if she’s doing it as a friend or more. Dev and Niall seem to be having a very exciting conversation with Violet about some sport or other because the hand gestures are out of control. I’m looking at everyone differently now. I notice how every time Niall talks, Violet pays extra attention, and when Dev talks, Violet looks like she wishes it were Niall talking. Baz and Penny get into ridiculous arguments that serve no other purpose than for them to spit off as many random facts as they know.

I don’t know why I’ve been so afraid to talk to everyone before. They’re just people trying to do the same thing I’m doing. Some are just trying to find love, and some are just trying to make sure that they don’t go unnoticed. That everything they’ve worked for and learned over the years gets told, so they can be at peace with that fact that it wasn’t for nothing. 

***

When we get back upstairs, Joelle says that we should all watch a movie. We all decide to pile into the king size bed me and Baz will be sharing and watch ‘Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates’. Joelle says it’s a classic movie that everyone needs to experience at least once. 

After one particularly funny scene, I glance around the room and for maybe the first time it hits me. These are my friends. These are the people I can count on. They wouldn’t indulge Baz bringing me everywhere if they didn’t want me here. These are people I can either shut out because I’m scared or make an effort to have them for the rest of my life. 

I smiled fondly to myself at the future scenarios I’m making up in my head that involve everyone in this room. I try not to notice Baz not so secretly staring at me.


	5. Chapter 5

Today is our last day in New York City. We have done almost every tourist-y thing there is to do in Manhattan, including going to Time Square and taking a photo on the iconic red steps. Baz, Joelle, and Agatha all went out to get breakfast for all of us from this bagel shop a few blocks down. Niall and Violet went in the opposite direction to get everyone’s coffee or tea from this cafe that Joelle claims puts Starbucks to shame. Dev is still asleep. 

Penny and I have grown much closer over this trip. Whenever Baz was indulging himself in stereotypical New York activities, Penny found her way next to me. 

During one of our conversations, she explained how the reason she opted out of the abroad LLC was because she wanted to force herself to make friends with people who weren’t like her. This backfired when she met Baz because he introduced her to the rest of us and she says being around us makes her feel less homesick. Joelle is really her only American friend, besides this boy Micah that she met in student government. 

We haven’t been completely alone since I asked her what she thought Baz was looking for in a partner. We are completely alone now though, so I know the conversation is coming up. 

“You like Baz,” Penny says as she hands me a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. We’re in the kitchen, cleaning up the clutter of junk food we’ve accumulated in Joelle’s kitchen. 

“This pint is half full we shouldn’t throw it out,” I say 

“It’s half empty. Throw it out and acknowledge what I said before,” 

I toss the pint in the trash, “Yes, I like Baz. As more than a friend. You seem to know him well so I was just curious if he had any preferences,” 

“You live with him!” 

“Yeah but we don’t exactly talk about our dating lives or anything. I figured he talked to everyone else about that kind of thing,” 

“He doesn’t. Not to me at least,” Penny looks frustrated at this piece of knowledge “Honestly Simon, he’s probably just looking for what everyone else is. Someone who can love him completely,” 

We’re interrupted by the door opening. Baz, Joelle, and Agatha walk in holding bags of bagels and pastries followed by Niall and Violet with our beverages. We wake Dev up and then all eat breakfast. We talk about our favorite parts of the city and Joelle tells us we will definitely be invited back. 

We’re now sat on the train. Penny and I sitting next to each other across from Baz and Dev. Joelle, Agatha, Niall and Violet in the other section. Dev keeps looking over at the other section and then back down toward his phone. 

Finally, Violet has enough “Okay, What. What do you keep looking at?” 

We all look over. Dev shrugs “I’m trying to figure out if Joelle and Agatha did it over break,” 

My face goes red from second hand embarrassment. Violet’s eyes widen and Niall looks in front of him at the two ladies in question. 

Agatha and Joelle look at each other. Agatha makes a face indicating for Joelle to speak. “First of all, it wouldn’t be any of your business if we did it. But, we are sort of together now,” 

“Together? Like girlfriends?” Dev asks 

“Yeah, I mean we’re trying it out,” Joelle says

Baz scoffs, “Seems silly to ruin a friendship like that,” 

“We’re not ruining a friendship,” Agatha says “We saw that we’re good as friends, and there were other more than friends feelings there. We owe it to ourselves to explore it,” 

“And what if you break up? Then what? We all have to choose sides,” 

“There will be no side choosing,” Joelle’s voice raises and I can see other passengers on the train getting interested, “If we break up we’ll handle it as adults. This is our relationship. We’re not going to expect our friends to totally abandon the other if we don’t work out,” 

“Whatever,” Baz turns back to look out the window and turn his music up on his phone. 

Niall and Violet start asking the newly found couple questions. Penny goes back down to her book, and Dev must not be that interested in anything anymore now that he has the thought of Agatha and Joelle possibly having sex together. 

I stared across at Baz. Beautiful Baz. His perfect face slightly scrunched and eyes shut. I wish I could see his eyes. 

Baz won’t want to date me. By the way he freaked at Joelle and Agatha, I know this. He cares too much about all his friends to risk his heart like that. I can’t say I totally disagree with him. If I was ever dating Baz I wouldn’t want to ever break up with him, and I would be crazy heart broken if he broke up with me. How would that even work? We live together. He literally sleeps on top of me. I couldn’t lose Baz. 

I need to figure out a way to accept that Baz and I will only ever be friends. I’ll never know how he kisses or how his hair feels in my hands, and I’ll never know what it’s like to be loved by Baz.


	6. Chapter 6

“Why do you need an extra practice?” 

“Probably because we missed Monday and Tuesday,” Baz says as he finishes putting his ball into his athletic bag. 

The soccer teams coach decided that he wanted all the boys to attend an extra practice tonight to make up for missing practice during fall break. Normally Baz, Niall and Dev would meet us all at the dining hall after practice, but today they won’t be able to. 

This means that it’ll just be me, and all the girls. 

“It’ll be fine Snow, you’ll be surrounded by four lovely ladies. Everyone will think ‘damn, what a catch,” 

“Two of those ladies are snogging each other,” I remind him. 

“Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts,” He grabs is keys off the desk and heads to the door, “I’ll see you later. If you’re asleep by the time I get back I’ll try and be quiet,” 

***

Dinner isn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Violet seems to be very supportive of Agatha and Joelle, and Penny doesn’t really seem to care. 

It’s weird. Yes, Joelle and Agatha are now dating, but they don’t seem different. Besides the occasional lingering touch, they still seem like the people they were before they got together. Obviously everything important that’s changed is probably behind closed doors. A door I know Dev wishes he could be behind. 

“You seem lost in thought, Simon” I look up from my food to Penny’s voice. 

“I’m just really happy for the two of you,” I say, motioning to Agatha and Joelle. 

“I’m glad at least one of you boys hasn’t turned this into his own wet dream,” Joelle jokes 

“Have they really?” I ask, genuinely curious. 

“Well Dev definitely has at least. Every time Joelle leaves my dorm he’s on her about what we were doing,” Agatha explains 

“And I'm usually in the room too so I’m sure that doesn’t help with his fantasies,” Violet says. 

Violet and Agatha are roommates so I can only imagine what Dev is thinking three girls are doing in a room together when it’s confirmed that at least two of them are snogging each other. 

“How does it work?” I get some weird looks and immediately realize my mistake in words, “I mean, with you to going from friends to lovers,” I gesture to Joelle and Agatha, “And you two being roommates” I gesture to Agatha and Violet. 

Violet shrugs “I mean, I’m not part of their relationship. If they want the room to, you know, do whatever, I can leave,” 

“We’re not together just for the sex,” Joelle says “We were friends first and I think that’s important to remember. If at any point we feel like the relationship is ruining the friendship, it would only make sense to end it before it becomes unable to be repaired,” Agatha nods in agreement 

“Is this because of what Baz said?” Agatha asks me 

I nod. “I kind of like Baz, and I don’t know I thought he was flirting with me a few times? But maybe that’s just how he is with everyone. I definitely don’t think I have a chance now after what he said on the train,” 

“I think after he sees how well me and Joelle are doing, and even if it doesn’t work out, how maturely we’re able to handle ourselves, he’ll realize putting yourself out there for love is always worth it,” Agatha puts her hand over mine. 

“So I should tell you all something,” Violet announces. “Niall and I kissed at the cafe in New York City. Also we kissed in the art section in The Strand. Also when I went to his room yesterday to return something of his.” 

Joelle starts laughing “Oh my goodness. New York City sure is magical, huh?” 

“Woah, woah, woah,” Penny says “This cannot happen. First Joelle and Agatha? Then Simon and Baz? And now you and Niall? If we keep this up Dev is going to think something’s going to happen with me!” 

This makes everyone start laughing “Is something going to happen?” Violet asks 

“Absolutely not!” Penny defends 

“Penny has her eye on someone else. Isn’t that right Penny?” Agatha teases 

Everyone continues laughing. This is the first time I think I’ve felt completely comfortable with a group of people when Baz wasn’t around. I could see myself hanging out with each of them on my own. I don’t think there’d be much awkwardness for once. 

After dinner I head back to the dorms. I sit with Violet in a common room and work on one of the assignments for our english class. She tells me about her home in Australia and how her family thought she was crazy for coming all the way to America just for a degree in English. 

“They don’t get it,” She says “Every author that I love came from Watford. This is where I need to be to make connections.” 

I understand. That’s why I’m here too. “Is your english concentration in creative writing?” 

“Yeah, what about you?”

“Journalism. What’s Agatha here for?” I ask. I feel like I should know my friends majors. It’s mid October. 

“English too, but with a concentration in broadcasting. Can you imagine? BBC news with Agatha Wellbelove,” Violet laughs 

“I can imagine,” I really can. 

I wonder what Baz’s concentration is. I don’t know how I don’t know this. I know he’s an English major. I try to imagine him writing the next great British novel or waking up at 5:00AM to tell the morning news. He’s on the newspaper so maybe he wants to be a journalist like me. 

I fall asleep thinking of Baz, 10 years down the road. I dream about him going about his day, waiting for the chance to come home. I dream about him coming home to me.


	7. Chapter 7

Don’t ask me how I ended up at this party. It’s really all a blur. I remember Baz getting ready in the dorm, then I remember Joelle barging in the room telling him to hurry up, looking at me, going through my closet, and then throwing a shirt at my face. 

I don’t usually go to parties. Baz invited me to one once before but I said no, and I was never explicitly invited to one again. Obviously, I could’ve asked to come but I never really wanted to. 

Baz disappeared almost immediately. I was kind of disappointed because I wanted to see what he was like at parties. If he was a flirty drunk, or a silly drunk, or a mean drunk. 

Niall and Violet could be seen making out in a loveseat so I guess they finally got together officially. Unless they’re just snogging because it’s a party? I don’t know how casual relationships work. 

Anyway, somehow I have ended up in a game of flip cup. Dev saw me by myself and insisted I had to play. I’ve never been much of a beer person, and after this game I don’t think I ever will be. 

It’s me, Dev, Penny, and Micah against Agatha, Joelle and two other guys that I’ve literally never seen before. 

We play until I can barely stand. 

“Where’s Baz?” I slur to Penny. 

“I’m not sure. He usually disappears and then somehow meets us all at the exact time we want to leave” 

He’s like magic. “I’m gonna go find him” I declare 

“Oh, Simon I don’t think that’s a good idea, let’s keep playing yeah?” Dev suggests. Dev’s never really spoken to me so I don’t know why he decides to voice his opinion. 

“No, I’m gonna go find him,” 

I slip away from the group and head up the stairs of the house. It’s a little less loud up here. Everything sounds slightly muted. There’s a small line leading to what I assume is the bathroom. For the most part, all the doors are shut. There’s not too many people up here but I spot someone standing by himself smoking a cigarette. 

“Shouldn’t you be doing that outside?” I ask 

“I should. But this is my house, so I don’t think I need to follow the rules so closely,” He says

“This is your house? Why are you up here?” 

“I don’t really like crowds. And it’s not just my house. I live here with a few other guys on the team,” 

“What team?” The smoke from his cigarette gets in my face and I laugh as I blow it out of the way. 

“Soccer team. Or I think across the pond you call it football,” 

“This is the soccer house?” It’s nice to know where exactly I am, “I’m looking for my roommate. He’s on the team,” 

“Who’s your roommate? I’m Connor, by the way,” 

“Simon,” I introduce myself “My roommate is Baz,” 

“Baz,” The way he says his name is full of distaste, “You looking to be another one of his one night stands?” 

“What do you mean?” I ask. One night stands? 

Connor takes a long drag of his cigarette, “Yeah, Baz always finds someone to hook up with at these parties. It’s never the same person. Trust me, I was week one and he hasn’t brought it up since,”

Baz sleeping around? That doesn’t make any sense. Baz is perfect, why would he waste himself on random people he barely knows every week? He goes to multiple parties during the weekend, does that mean it can sometimes be different people at each party? How many people does he hook up with per night? He seems like such a romantic how doesn’t he see sex as being intimate and romantic? 

“Where is he?” I ask. Connor nods his head towards one of the closed doors. Before I know it, I walk over to the door. I briefly see Dev and Agatha walking up the stairs, I assume looking for me. 

Agatha spots me as my hand touches the door handle, “Simon! Let’s go back downstairs we can play another game!” 

I ignore her and turn the handle. 

I don’t know what I expected to find. Baz, by himself, saying that he doesn’t actually sleep around. He just tells people that so he can sneak up to one of the rooms and be there by himself? That’s what I hoped I would find. 

Instead, I see two empty Jack Daniels bottle on the floor next to a pile of clothes. Baz’s clothes. I see Baz in bed on top of some boy who doesn’t know how lucky he is. 

Baz turns at the sound of the door opening “Simon? What the hell?” He reaches for the blanket to cover the boy he’s with. Even drunk, and caught he thinks of the other person first. Baz only has his underwear on. I take in the sight before me. His broad, pale shoulders, his slightly confused yet also concerned look on his face, his disheveled hair, evident of the act he was just about to partake in. And the other boy. The other boy in this random bed who isn’t me. 

By this point Dev and Agatha have made it behind me. I can sort of hear them trying to get me out. Agatha explaining to Baz that I’m shit faced out of my mind and Dev trying to convince me that the best thing for me to do right now is to play another fucking game of flip cup. 

I wonder if Dev knows about me liking Baz. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want me to go looking for him. 

I wonder if Baz can see the look of betrayal I’m wearing on my face. Maybe it’s not even betrayal. Hurt? Disappointment? Sadness? I can’t even tell what I’m feeling right now. 

Baz doesn’t want to lose his friends with a relationship, but he’s perfectly okay with leading strangers on for one night. 

Baz gets up off the bed, and walks over to me, completely shirtless. “Snow, are you okay?” 

Hearing him use his nickname for me pisses me off. He has to know he was flirting with me before. He has to know I liked it and wished I could flirt back. How could he not? How could he not realize that everyone he talks to falls for him? How could he? 

“Oh, I’m good,” I say calmly. I look him directly in the eyes “Good to know that my roommate is nothing but a dirty, easy, slut.”


	8. Chapter 8

It’s been four days since the whole “slut incident”. I don’t remember much from that night after I called him that. 

I had woken up in my bed, completely hungover the next day. Baz was sitting on the beanbag doing homework. 

“I left you water and some aspirin,” Baz said, motioning with his eyes next to me. 

I had sat up and thanked him. There had been an almost tangible tension in the room. I opened my mouth to speak but Baz cut me off “If we hold everyone responsible for what they did when they were drunk, we would live in a really angry world,” 

I nodded my head and went to shower. When I got out he was gone. It has seemed like he meant that he didn’t care about my outburst, but he and Dev had decided to sit at a different table at dinner on Monday and Tuesday. 

Now it was Wednesday and Baz, Niall, Dev, Agatha, Violet and I all sit in our english class, awkward in our little corner of the room. 

“Today we’re going to be talking about the final project. Instead of also having a final exam in this class, this project is going to count for double. But don’t worry, it’ll be easy.” Professor Hart says. 

At the beginning of the year she had requested we all call her by her first name, Lily, but I could never get myself too. It’s something Baz used to tease me about. 

“I know it’s not even the end of October so it seems silly to begin thinking about a final project, but the end of the semester will sneak up on you. It always does. I’m letting you all know 2 months in advance so there will be no excuses as to why it doesn’t get done.” She moves to her desk “I’m going to hand out the instructions, and then we can break into our usual groups and you can all discuss,” 

Our usual groups. To my surprise Baz is the first one to move his desk so that we can all face each other. When I get my instruction sheet I immediately want to burst into tears. Our final project is an oral presentation about our biggest fears. 

Dev is the first to break the silence “This is either going to be slightly existential or super mundane,” 

“What are you afraid of?” Agatha asks him 

“Spiders, wasps, snakes, bears, being alone forever. The usual.” 

“Simon is afraid of sex,” Baz flattens his paper out on his desk and then leans his chin on both of his hands, looking me straight in the eyes. 

“Baz, I don’t think--” Agatha starts 

“Or are you just afraid of any kind of physical connection?” Baz interrupts 

My face get hot. Why is he doing this? “Well I’m not afraid of STDs that’s for sure. You might wanna be though,” I say 

Baz rolls his eyes, “I’m always safe, Simon. Let’s clear it out. You’re afraid of so many things. Sex, intimacy, speaking, am I forgetting anything?” 

“Wasting my life on meaningless hookups,” I feel brave

He sneers at me, “Who says they’re meaningless?” 

How could they not be meaningless? He doesn’t love any of them. He can’t. 

Before I can get another word in, Professor Hart dismisses the class and says that if we think of a fear and it’s too scary for us, that’s the exact thing we should do our project on. 

I don’t know if I can do it. I’m living my worst fear right now. Baz hates me, and I’m so afraid he’s going to hate me forever.


	9. Chapter 9

“I think you need to talk to him, Simon,” 

I’m sitting with the girls at dinner. They’re all saying that I should just tell Baz how I feel about him and explain that I didn’t think he was actually a slut, I was just hurt because I don’t understand why he won’t give someone who’s his friend a chance but he’s willing to be casual with anyone else. 

Niall usually sits with us at dinner but today he decided to sit with Dev and Baz. He thought he may be able to get insight on what Baz’s outburst in class was about. 

“I can’t talk to him. You should’ve heard him in class, Penny. He thinks I’m pathetic and scared of sex,” 

Penny takes a sip from her cup, “You have to live with him for almost six more months, Simon. You’re going to be miserable if you can’t get along with your roommate.” 

“If you don’t want to talk about your feelings for him, at least apologize for what you said to him. I know you’re hurting, but what you said also clearly hurt him,” Agatha suggests

I sigh “You’re right. I should at least apologize...Hey. Did you all know that was something he did? LIke at parties? He disappeared to hook up with people,” 

Joelle shrugs “I mean, the first party we went to I saw him kissing some guy from the soccer team. Connor, I think it was. I didn’t really think anything of it. It was a party after all,” 

“Yeah, people do different things when they’re at parties. It was never really concerning because he always left with us,” Violet adds 

I nod “I only ask because it seemed like Dev knew. When we were done playing flip cup he told me he didn’t think it was a good idea to go looking for Baz,” 

“Maybe they’ve talked about it before?” Violet proposes 

“Did it seem like Niall knew?” I ask 

“Not really, I don’t think he’d tell me if one of his best mates was excessively hooking up, though” 

We finish our dinner, everyone careful not to bring up Baz again. I spend most of the time going over in my head what I want to say to Baz when I get back up to the room. 

I saw the table with everyone from the soccer team get up about ten minutes ago so I know he’ll be back up in the room when I get there. I was hoping I’d be there before him that way it’d be like he was coming to me but this is okay. Maybe he’ll go to bed early and I won’t have to do it tonight. 

I walk up to our floor and I feel my heart begin to race. All I have to say is ‘Baz, I’m sorry I called you a slut’. So simple! I get closer to the door and my hands start to sweat. I fumble for the door knob but then realize the door is locked. That’s weird. If Baz is here the door shouldn’t be locked. It’s a courtesy thing we do for each other. Maybe he really is that mad at me. 

I reach into my pocket to get my key. I open the door and the first thing I see is Baz shirtless, tossing a shirt at some boy struggling to get his pants back on. I take a closer look and realize that it’s Connor, from the party. 

I stand motionless in our doorway. I come to apologize for calling him a slut and he has a fucking guy in the room. That’s why the door must have been locked. They probably jumped off the bunk bed and tried to get as many clothes on as possible when they heard me trying to get in. Clearly they weren’t quick enough. 

Connor finishes getting dressed and nods once at me “Simon,” he says. And then he brushes past me out the door. I take a step in a close the door watching as Baz pulls a long sleeve shirt over his head. 

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” He says 

I take a look around the room and notice my bed is particularly messy “Did you have sex on my bed?” 

“What? No. Believe it or not, you really are that unkempt,” 

He runs a hand through his hair and I hate him for looking so good right now. 

“Why was Connor here?” I ask “He said you never do the same person twice,” 

“Connor was just jealous I was spending time with people that aren’t him,” Seems Connor and I have that in common. 

“Why did you bring him here? Why does sex mean nothing to you?” 

“Snow, it’s just sex. It doesn’t have to be some big deal like they make it in films. We’re in college. This is the time to, I don’t know, experiment and live a little,” 

“Is that what you’re doing? Experimenting? Do they know it means nothing to you?” 

“Why do you care? What does any of this matter to you?” He raises his voice 

“Because!” I shout 

“Because why!?” 

“Because...Because I like you.” I breathe out. “I like you as more than a roommate, and more than a friend. And clearly, I’ve never had sex before. So I’d want my first time to mean something. And if we ever got together, which I know we won’t because you made it very clear how you felt about Joelle and Agatha, I can’t help but think I’d end up being just another meaningless fuck for you and that breaks my heart, okay? I know you don’t like me like that, and you never will. I didn’t mean it when I said you were a slut, or easy. I just really fucking hated seeing you with someone else. It made me realize how much I wished it was me, and I know I’ll never have that” 

He has this look of pity in his eyes that I can’t take. I can’t take the rejection right now. Not from him. Before he can say anything I run out of the room and take off.


	10. Chapter 10

Today is the first day I’ve ever cut class. I couldn’t face Baz. Not in class, not in a setting where we might get grouped up. I’ve avoided him like the plague since my confession. I’ve been staying on the floor of Violet and Agatha’s dorm. I know Baz’s schedule so when he’s not around I sneak into the room to grab some things. I’m embarrassed to say the least. 

I’m so terrified of his rejection, I almost think this is what my final project should be on. Imagine me, standing up there giving a speech about how I am terrified of always saying the wrong thing and facing everyone’s rejection. Right in front of Baz. He’d think I was so stupid. 

I haven’t gone to dinner since the confession. Agatha will usually bring me up some food, or I’ll go to the other dining hall that’s on the opposite side of campus and doesn’t have nearly as good food. Today all the girls and Niall decided to get their dinner in to-go boxes and sit with me in the dorm. 

“This sucks,” Niall announces “I know tensions are high but like come on! I feel like I’m betraying Baz and Dev when I hang out with you all, and then when I hang out with you all I feel like Baz and Dev get pissed at me,” 

“Funny how Baz was so concerned about choosing sides and then he’s the one who partly ends up causing the split,” Joelle sneers 

“There’s no split,” Penny says “Simon, you told Baz your feelings and then you ran away. You need to see him. We can’t do this for the rest of the year. It’s too much. Halloween hasn’t even happened yet!” 

“Yeah, Simon. You can’t avoid everything forever. Have you gone to a newspaper meeting this week? When was the last time you went to the shuttle stop for pizza?” Violet asks 

I shrug. I haven’t done either in a while. I’m too afraid of running into Baz. 

“We want to all sit at dinner together again! We had such a good thing going. We want to all dress up together for Halloween!” Joelle says 

I know they’re all right. I should just talk to Baz. I need to get over it. I need to face it. I take a bite of my food “Why don’t we start with all having dinner together? Now tell me about your plan for Halloween,” 

***

The next day when I get to dinner everyone is there except for Baz. There’s an empty seat on each side of the table. I quietly thank whoever was smart enough to make sure we don’t sit next to each other. 

“I think it’d be so cute!” Joelle is in the middle of saying. Her idea for Halloween is that we all dress up as characters from the Peanuts. I can see Dev is not a fan of this idea. 

“Oh come on Dev! You can be Charlie!” Violet says 

“I’m not bald!” Dev exclaims 

“Simon isn’t a bird and he’s going to be Woodstock!” Penny says. This is true. I somehow agreed to be the bird. 

Dev lets out an exasperated sigh but I can tell he’s given up. He’s going through the acceptance phase. He will be our Charlie Brown. 

Then, Baz shows up. He slides in the seat at the opposite end of the table. His hair looks freshly cut, still long but its not at his shoulder anymore. It’s by his chin. He’s in a skin tight black jeans, and has a striped button up french tucked into his pants. I guess he’ll be going out tonight. 

“Hit me,” He says “What the costume plan?” 

“Snoopy.” Joelle says, “You will be cute and you will be with us the whole night to ensure everyone can always see the full ensemble,” I can’t help but feel like that last part was for my benefit. 

“Gotcha, Connor says best Halloween party is going to be at the lacrosse teams house so I will text you all the details. See you then,” With that he gets up and leaves. 

Penny, thank her soul, immediately starts talking about the costumes and where we should get everything so no one has time to discuss he rushed entrance and even more rushed exit. 

We have our Halloween plan. Dev will be our fearless leader as Charlie Brown, Baz will be Snoopy, Niall will be Linus, Violet will be Sally, Penny will be Peppermint Patty, I’ll be Woodstock and Joelle has claimed Lucy for herself. 

The day of Halloween we all pose for an obligatory photo, mandated by Joelle. We get to the lacrosse house and while we were all near each other for the first maybe five minutes, eventually Baz disappears to who knows where, Joelle and Agatha run off together, and Niall and Violet somehow always manage to find a couch to make out on. Leaving just me, Dev, and Penny. 

Dev shrugs, “Flip cup?” 

The rest of the night I stay by the flip cup table the entire time. I play every game, I drink every cup. I push down my curiosity to seek out Baz. After it’s clear I’m unable to form proper words to talk, Penny makes the executive decision to round everyone up and gets us all in an uber to go back home. 

Somehow I end up sitting next to Baz. I’m squished almost on top of him because Dev apparently needs the same amount of space two people would normally need. 

I try not to feel him next to me or his eyes on me. I hiccup. 

“You’re proper drunk, huh?” He leans in and whispers in my ear. 

I look over at him and his face is so close to mine. He doesn’t seem drunk, and his hair is in the exact same place as it was when I last saw him. It’s not messy and doesn’t look like anyone’s hands have been through it. I wish my hands could go through it. 

I feel myself moving closer to him. 

“Simon--” He’s cut off. 

“We’re here” The uber driver says. 

Suddenly I’m pulled out of the car by Dev. 

“Can you get him home alright?” Penny asks Baz as if I’m not standing right here. Oh, wait. No, I’m not standing. I’m sitting on the grass. Standing is really hard right now though. 

“Yeah, I got him,” Baz lifts me up and tells me to put an arm around his shoulder. “We have to pass the RA’s, so I need you to do me a favor, okay?” 

“Anything,” I say and I mean it. I would do anything for Baz. Still. Even after his rejection. 

“I’m going to let go of you, and you need to walk with a purpose right to the elevator. And you need to be really silent the whole time,” 

“Silent and with purpose,” I repeat

We get into the building and elevator without too much disturbances. Niall tripped on his way in but Violet told the RA’s he’s always clumsy. I don’t think the RA’s bought it, but it was 3:00AM and I don’t think they really cared or wanted to bother at this time of night. 

We dropped Agatha and Violet off first, and then Niall and Dev. When we got to our room, Baz took my shoes off for me and made me drink one whole cup of water. He got me into bed and then climbed up top. I watched as dropped his shirt and pants to the floor. He must be a little tipsy if he doesn’t care about the mess he just made. 

I still felt absolutely hammered, “Baz?” 

“Yeah?” His voice is soft 

“Why won’t you love me?” I whisper into the dark 

I hear him turning over in his bunk. I’m not if I imagined it or if it’s just what I wanted to hear, but I swear he says “I never said I wouldn’t”


	11. Chapter 11

Since Halloween, things have been a little bit better. Our english professor made the class optional for the rest of the semester. We can go to class and discuss our projects with her or anyone else who shows up, or we can take the time to work on them by ourselves. Baz doesn’t show up to class but Violet and I attend. 

We aren’t really in the room together a lot. He’s been really throwing himself into all his extracurriculars. I’ve stopped going to the newspaper meetings. It was cool when Baz and I would go to together but I haven’t really made any friends besides him in it, and I don’t want to try in front of him. 

We haven’t addressed my feelings for him. He hasn’t brought it up and I don’t want to again. 

I have no idea what I want to do my english project on. I want to do something easy, but I also want to be genuine. I could easily do a whole speech about how I’m afraid of snakes, but how interesting would that be? I want to do something real for once in my life. I want to say something and be heard. 

When I get to dinner I don’t expect Baz to be there, but he is. I don’t expect the only open seat to be next to him, but it is. 

I sit next to him with my plate of food, and everyone’s in small discussions. I feel awkward so I just slowly eat off my plate. 

“So, I’ve been meaning to bring something up to you all,” Joelle says 

“You and Agatha are getting hitched?” Dev asks. Joelle throws a fry at him. 

“No. I know you all don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, and I know it’s a shitty holiday that glorifies an actual awful period of time, but I was going to ask if you all wanted to come back to the city for the holiday. We don’t have to be thankful for the genocide of Native Americans, but we can be thankful for each other,” 

“That is the cheesiest shit I’ve ever heard,” Penny laughs “But yeah, I’m in. Let’s be thankful for each other,” 

Everyone else agrees to go for Thanksgiving, “Baz? Simon? Are you in?” 

I stop eating. I want to come. I want to be with my friends, but I don’t want it to be weird with Baz. 

“Yeah,” Baz says “We’ll be there.” 

‘We’ll’. I try not to think about that. I just nod at Joelle. 

I’m thankful for my friends. I truly am and I’m excited to go back to the city. I’m thankful for Baz too. Even after everything. I’m so thankful I ended up with him as my roommate, and he tried to push me out of my comfort zone. 

The days leading up to Thanksgiving are filled with trying to finish my project for english and finish other assignments so I won’t have anything to think about over the holiday. I don’t know much about Thanksgiving, except that there’s a lot of food, and a surplus of desserts. 

Joelle, Agatha, Violet and I head to the train station early in the morning. Dev, Niall, Baz and Penny are taking a later train together. They have soccer and student government things they need to do today, apparently. I think Baz just didn’t want to endure a long train ride with everyone and somehow convinced Dev, Niall, and Penny to go later with him. 

When we arrive at Joelle’s penthouse, we all start to head to the room we were in last time. 

“Wait, I can’t share a bed with Baz,” I say. 

“You’re not,” Joelle says “I was going to tell Penny to go in with you. I’m not going to make Niall and Violet sneak around all weekend to make out with each other,”

“We don’t make out that much!” Violet exclaims 

“Violet, your faces are constantly attacking each other,” Agatha says 

“Just because you two are better at PDA doesn’t mean you have to be mean” 

Everyone heads up to their rooms. I start to unpack some of my things when I hear the door open, I assume it’s Dev until I turn around and see Baz. 

“Uh...I thought Penny and I were sharing this room this time?” I say 

Baz scrunches his eyebrows “No. Joelle said I was sharing this room with Penny.” 

“But, she told me-” 

I’m cut off when I see Joelle and the rest of the group hovering by the door.

“Sorry, boys, but this is for your own good,” With that Joelle slams the door shut and we hear a bit of struggling outside. 

“What the fuck is this?’ Baz yells 

“There is a chair blocking this door. You’re locked in until you make up,” Joelle says 

“What!?” Both Baz and I yell.

Baz starts banging on the door. “This is bullshit, Joelle. Let us out, NOW.” 

“Nope. You two are making dinner awkward, and it’s starting to get annoying. This is our first year of college and we don’t want to do this for three more years,” Joelle says 

“Grow up and deal with your shit!” Penny yells 

We hear them all slowly shuffle away from the door. Leaving just Baz and I, locked in a room with nothing but our feelings and a king size bed.


	12. Chapter 12

Baz rests his head on the door “This is bullshit,” 

“Yeah” I say 

“What right do they have inserting themselves into something that doesn’t concern them?” 

“Yeah,” I say again

“This isn’t their problem. If they have a problem they should be the ones to grow up and get over it,” He pulls his hair slightly and turns to face me. His features soften at the sight of me “Simon,” 

“Yeah?” This time it’s a question 

He sighs and he walks over to the bed to sit next to me. He pushes himself back so he’s sitting completely on the bed, criss cross. His presence is overwhelming. I don’t know what else I could say to him. I told him I had feelings, granted I am the one who ran away after my confession, but if he wanted to talk about it he could’ve put in more effort to find me. 

I know it’s not his fault. But it’s not much easier to put the blame on him and hate him than to admit I got scared and ran away because I couldn’t face rejection. 

“Let’s talk,” He says 

I stay where I’m sitting at the edge of the bed with my feet hanging off. I don’t turn to face him. If I’m going to talk about my feelings, I can’t look at him. 

“I have a lot to say,” I start “I’m going to mess up my words so just let me finish before speaking,” 

“Okay,” He says 

I take a deep breath. 

“I like you, Baz. A lot. When I first got my acceptance to Watford I spent months overthinking it. None of my family thought I was going to actually come. I mean, me? Move across the Atlantic Ocean? This is something I would normally do. When I got here, I was a bundle of nerves. And then I met you and the first thing you did was tell me you hadn’t chosen a bed yet because you didn’t want to overstep. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe how nice you were. 

And I was such a mess. I was happy I had you as a roommate but the other social aspects of college were just not working for me. And you just included me in everything. I always felt so bad. Like I was this big burden for you. I don’t know when exactly my feelings for you started to become romantic. I was at that party and I was talking to that guy Connor and he mentioned how you always hook up with people at parties and I don’t know. I just felt angry. 

I felt jealous and angry. Because I wanted that to be me. Not like the person you were hooking up with at every party but I don’t know. Just in general, I started wishing that I was the one you wanted to be alone with. And the way you freaked out about Joelle and Agatha getting together upset me too. You were so against friends dating I...I- I just figured it was never going to happen. And I couldn’t-I don’t think I can handle that. I like you so much Baz. I can’t just be your friend. I can’t,” 

At some point during this speech I started tearing up. I’m afraid to turn around and look at Baz. I’m afraid to hear what he has to say. 

I feel him shift on the bed and move so he’s sitting at the edge with me. I take a deep breath in and out. 

“Simon,” I lose it. The tears turn into actual crying. 

He grabs my hand with his and rests it on his leg, “Simon, I care about you. A lot okay? I would be lying if I said that there weren’t feelings that felt too strong for friendship within me for you. You have never felt like a burden to me,”

“What do we do?” I ask 

“We have 3 ½ years of college left, Simon. I want you, I do. But what if it doesn’t work out? What if it ruins our friend group? We are so far away from home. I need this to be my home, and I need you in it,” 

“What if it does work out?” 

I finally look at him. His beautiful eyes that rip into my soul every time I see them. His slightly messy hair, that I want nothing more than to run my hands through it. This is my time to be brave, so I do. I reach my hand that isn’t holding his into his hair to push it out of his face. He takes his other hand and wipes one of my tears off my face. 

“Baz? What if it works out? What if-” 

And then he kisses me. 

He holds my face in both his hands and kisses me without limits. We move more onto the giant king size bed until he’s on top of me. I put my arms around his neck and hold him close. I never want to let go. I never want to be without him. 

Because who cares if it doesn’t work out? At least we’ll be able to say we tried. I would give him anything he wants. 

I’ve never felt this sort of passion in a kiss before. I’ve never felt what I feel for him before in such a short amount of time. I’ve never fallen for anyone before. 

Baz said he needed a home away from home. I do too. It’s him. He’s my home. 

He’s still kissing me. He moves one hand to the edge of my shirt and begins to move his hand up my chest on my bare skin. He removes his mouth from my lips and starts working his way to my jawline and down to my neck. 

I want everything. 

Suddenly, the door flies open. 

“Well I am just SO happy to see you two have made up!” Baz pulls away at the sound of Dev’s voice 

“Ew, ohmygod, not on my parents bed you assholes!” 

I sit up to see crowded by the door, is all our friends. Dev laughing at the scene he just walked in on, Joelle looking genuinely displeased at us making out on her parents bed. 

“Thought we were locked in?” Baz asks 

“It got quiet,” Agatha shrugs 

“Too quiet,” Penny adds 

“Alright, come on down you guys, we have a Thanksgiving feast to prepare,” 

They all head back down, leaving the door wide open, and indication that Baz and I were not going to be able to continue what we were doing. 

“What does this mean?” I ask 

Baz grabs my hand to pull me off the bed. We’re standing face to face, him looking slightly down, and me, looking slightly up. He brushes a stray piece of my hair back. 

“I don’t want to be friends,” He plays with random pieces of my hair as he talks. I think it’s supposed to calm me, and I have to admit it is, “I’m scared, Simon. Scared of this not working out and scared what will happen if it doesn’t. Maybe I’m even scared of what will happen if it does work out,”

“You don’t have to be scared,” I sound desperate. Maybe I am. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone more than I want Baz, “You’ve asked me to come to every social event on campus and I’ve always said yes. I want to ask now. I want to have this, can I have this?” 

He runs a hand along the side of my face, leans in, and places one single kiss on my lips. My eyes flutter. 

“Yeah,” He breathes, “You can have this,”


	13. Chapter 13

The rest of Thanksgiving was full of holding hands, quick cheek kisses, and cuddling in a king size bed. 

When we get back to school, Baz pours himself into all his extracurriculars. I work with Violet and Niall a lot trying to finish my speech for our class. Baz gets home late usually and he’s taken it upon himself to instead of climb up to his bunk, squeeze into mine with me. 

“Baz, there is not enough room for the both of us,” 

“Shh, yes there is, just move over,” 

“Baz, there’s a wall next to me I can’t move over,” 

“Fine, fine, I have a solution,” He puts his hand under me to pull my closer, forcing my head to rest on his chest, and half my body to be on top of his. 

This is how I go to sleep now. Curled into the greatest, most brilliant person I know. 

Waking up is hard. I have to get up early and leaving Baz in bed is one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do. 

“Baz, I need to get to class. I’ll see you in english later today,” Today we’re giving our final speeches. 

“It’s the last day of classes, just skip,” He holds onto my waist to prevent me from getting up 

“I don’t skip class! I’ll see you in class okay!” I kiss him on the lips, which distracts him enough to give me the opportunity to get out of his grip. 

“You’re the worst,” He says 

I grant myself one last look before I head out the door. His hair is a mess and he takes up most of my bed. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

My first class is boring. It’s just a review session. The whole time I’m not completely focused. I just keep thinking about Baz and how lucky I am to have made the friends I have here. 

When our english class finally comes around, Baz is in his seat already. I take the seat next to him. It’s not my assigned seat, but it’s the last day of class so who cares. 

Our professor walks into the room “Who wants to go first?” 

Another opportunity to be brave. I raise my hand “I’ll go,” 

I shuffle through my folder to pull out my speech, as I’m doing that, Baz puts his hand on my shoulder, “You’re gonna kill it, love,” 

I feel my heart flutter, I give him a smile and walk up to the front of the classroom. 

I place my paper on the podium and look out to my classmates. My eyes gravitate toward Baz, who is sitting in his seat with both his hands under his chin, waiting for me to start. He gives me a small smile. I begin. 

“What do I fear the most? I used to think I was afraid of everything. I used to hide myself away because I had convinced myself that I was too afraid to go outside my comfort zone. I learned that people, and socializing, that was never my biggest fear. My biggest fear wasn’t putting myself out there, it was the reaction of my peers to me. I was afraid of being myself and being rejected. My biggest fear is myself. That I won’t be good enough for someone, that I won’t make it, that I’ll live an overall simple life with no adventure. This is a fear I thought I would never overcome. A fear I thought would eat me alive. But then something incredible happened. 

I met someone who made me want to be nothing but myself. Myself with all my shyness, and all my jumbled words, and all my anxieties. I was still afraid. Afraid that being myself wouldn’t be enough for him. He was knowledge and brilliance, and I was scared and unsure. He likes me back, but my fear is far from being overcome. I don’t think it is a fear that I’ll ever get over. But having someone who wants to be with me despite my fear, well, it makes the fear a little less scary,” 

I look back up to my class, I hear vague clapping but my vision is solely focused on one person. Baz. Always Baz. He’s looking at me in a way that can only be described as heart eyes. I give them right back. 

I go back to my seat. I reach over to Baz and he grabs my hand in his. We sit like this for the rest of the speeches, stopping only when it’s his turn. 

This year started off rocky and confused. But here, right now, holding Baz’s hand fills me with nothing but excitement. 

Excitement for next semester, next year, and the next four years. I am home.


End file.
